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When I was a hormonally-challenged boy of eleven or so, the Miss America Pageant was a big thing for me. Finally, it was the first night of the year when the network dropped, and The Partridge Family Room 222 in favor of the beautiful women wandering about in bathing suits. And I would do anything to be able to stay and see the show. Anything! When Bert Parks had taken a kidney to go further, I would like to have him by me, that was my desire to see this remarkableTelevision fare. This was the same desperate need for biological information that a few guys my age who steal the National Geographic magazines from the dentist's office or the Sears catalog secretly went to the barn for some window-shopping through the underwear section. I remember the first time I saw a bra in a Sears catalog. I thought it was a kind of prosthesis. Yes, a developing country, the young man who was in the Alabama-sticks in the late sixties, the Miss America Pageanta big thing, yes.
These days, however, the Miss America Pageant holds about as much appeal to me as a long drive with my mother-in-law's son. Maybe because I head first sliding off your forty and the sight of bubbly, apples, swimmers do not have much more easy for me. As a geriatric Playboy Bunny, my turn-ons now uninterrupted nap time and my new vibrating Lazy Boy lounger. However, I do not think I'm alone when I say that Miss America has its run. She'sis old hat, a tradition whose time has expired.
We live in a time when your house of bikini-clad girls, or your car with the Bikini Car Wash discs can be cleaned. We have Playboy Mansion, the Playboy Channel, NYPD Blue, Calvin Klein ads, Madonna, and of course, Victoria's Secret, the handy little catalog with the black, Lacy prostheses. What the hell do we need for the Miss America?
Last Saturday night was the 77th Miss America Pageant and I sat down with him for oldat times. "Okay, I have to scroll a repeat of the" World's Funniest Surgical margins "in the talent competition, but that's only because they have known classical piano, opera and show tunes sung badly, to bleeding in the skull Men was cause of my age. Can not be too careful, you know.
The Pageant theme this year was "Everything Old Is New Again." I suspect the "new" claim is in view of the fact that this was a year of premieres. For example, this was the first year participants were able to carry two piecesBathing suits, if they so wish (three of the five finalists, including the winner, Katherine Shindler of Illinois, did). This was also the first year, a subscriber with a pierced bellybutton ring bore, while another showed a tattoo. Miss Mississippi, and had on shoes, of all things! Can you imagine? And these girls call themselves role models. I do not think so.
All of this piercing and tattoos made me a little nervous. I Miss New York for almost a hot pink Mohawk and expects aKnitting needle through the nose. They do not, of course, but if they could have made the show more interesting. Two bathing suits or not, this year's show was slipping about as exciting as seeing an egg. The highlight of the show was when Miss Arizona smiling face began to twitch non-stop for two hours. Let me give you two pieces of advice for the pageant organizers fiasco next year: mudslinging.
Speaking of the competition organizers went out of their officialsWay to make it quite clear that the Miss America Pageant is not a beauty contest. On the contrary, this is a contest of intelligence and personality and attitude and charm, and to promote the causes of the American woman on. The fact that there is a swimsuit competition just a coincidence, I think.
Moreover, they say, the bathing suit competition makes only 15% of the overall grade. Miss America is not selected for their beauty but for theirBrain. Do they really expect us to believe? The intelligent woman wins? Okay, fine. Let's go to bars and coming talent contest with some real tests of intelligence.
Let's have Miss South Dakota, and Miss Rhode Iceland risk play for twelve hours without a bathroom break. Suppose Miss Michigan, behind the house they have to rebuild the carburetor on a '63 Pontiac Catalina. Let's have Miss California at length on the theory of quantum physics in the attempt, one of JacobLadder with a piece of string that is too short. Let's have Miss Wyoming have the New York Times crossword puzzle in ink! Let's have Miss Kentucky balance my checkbook!
Of course, they have all these things when wearing swimsuits.
This is, after all, Miss America.
